


Yours To Hold

by Tyler_SteeleA7X



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: (i guess), Angst, Anxiety, Demisexuality, Eventual Happy Ending, Jake has poor grammar, M/M, Panic Attacks, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2020-09-25 01:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20368699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyler_SteeleA7X/pseuds/Tyler_SteeleA7X
Summary: For most of Charlie's life, anxiety hadn't been a huge problem.  But with the arrival of a few... new developments, that's about to change, and for the first time Charlie finds himself in a position where he needs to fight in order to keep his life from falling apart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I am an idiot
> 
> Feel free to tell me so in the comments, but positive comments & constructive criticism are much more appreciated
> 
> Title from "Yours to Hold" by Skillet
> 
> Accidentally posted it with the title "The Diary of Jake" at first, so fuck me

For most of his life, Charlie has been able to get by without anxiety being a huge burden. That’s not to say he doesn’t have anxiety, nor that it doesn’t suck, but it’s always just kind of seemed like something that magnifies the horribleness of other problems rather than being a problem itself. The panic attacks are probably the worst part, but unlike many of the horror stories he’s heard about people living in constant fear of said attacks, Charlie simply doesn’t. A panic attack just seems like a major inconvenience at the worst, and many times they appear without having a specific trigger. They just... happen. He won’t be able to move or talk, or sometimes even breathe correctly, but it will only be a few minutes before he can perform basic tasks again. No big deal, at least, not for him, because he fails to see how it really negatively impacts him. He can function at least a little bit 99% of the time, which means that he can still do things like play hockey and learn how to play the guitar just fine. In fact, he’s never even had a panic attack while doing either of those things. According to Charlie, the score sits at Charlie:1 - Anxiety:0 

He even makes all the way to the NHL, anxiety and everything.

The day he is drafted is, as it is for many elite hockey players, one of the best days of his life to date. Playing for Boston, or any NHL team, is a huge honor, and he spends the next week or so getting smothered by family members wishing him congratulations and reminiscing about “how far he’s come” and all that. All Charlie wants to do is get some rest before hockey starts up again, but that will have to wait, apparently. Now, of course, Charlie isn’t going to start playing on the actual Boston Bruins right away. He still has one more year with BU, and it’ll be awhile until he can start playing professional hockey, even if it’s for the Providence Bruins. But as of now, life is good. The score remains Charlie:1 - Anxiety:0.

Charlie can’t believe how fast the year goes by. Before he can even blink it’s already April, and he’s playing in his first AHL game for the Providence Bruins. It’s surreal, even though he hasn’t made it to the NHL yet. His excitement is contagious, even to the veterans. But of course, he still is noticeably nervous, especially since he is an introvert who just got plopped in a big group of people who already know each other, for the most part. But the majority of his social awkwardness disappears once he starts talking to some of the players. For one, he already knows Matt Grzelyck from college, but the people that Gryz introduces him to seem cool, too.

“Okay, so this is Danton, Anton… oh hey, that almost rhymes, I never noticed that before—”

“—Yeah, because no one calls me Danton. It’s Danny, weirdo,” he chirps with a slight smile on his face.

“C’mon, we’ve been over this,” says the person to the left of Anton, with a grin that makes it obvious that he just came up with something clever to say and is really bad at hiding it. Charlie can’t help but find it kind of funny. “This is Danny,” he says, pointing at Danton, “and this is Anny.”

“No the fuck I am not,” Anton shoots back while laughing a bit.

“Is no one going to mention the fact that Danton and Anton actually don’t rhyme at all?” another one of the guys chirps.

“Okay, okay, anyway, we got Danny, Anny, Jake, Colby, and Celery,” Gryz lists off in the order they are sitting in, which earns a sigh from Anton. Whoever 'Celery' is just shakes his head and smiles. Charlie just decides to go with it.

Charlie’s first four games of professional hockey go pretty well in his opinion. Providence loses in his first game, but wins in the other three, and he gets a couple of assists here and there. He doesn’t score, but apparently that doesn’t stop him from getting the phone call of a lifetime.

Charlie’s first NHL game is in four days. He’s about to lose his mind.

Sure he’s been told that it’s going to happen pretty frequently, but it never really sunk in for him. Like he’s just always felt like little old him, but here he is, about to play with (and against... yikes) some of the most elite hockey players in the world. And technically, he is one. It’s all to crazy good to be true, not to mention that it is also the fucking _ Stanley Cup playoffs _. He calls Gryz to tell him the news and apologizes for not being able to play in the coming AHL games, which Gryz pretends to be offended by (“How dare you abandon us in our time of need!”). But in the end he’s super supportive, like he always has been.

A few hours later, his phone buzzes in his pocket. On his lock screen is a notification for a text message from an unknown number.

_ Unknown _: hey i heard ur gonna play ur first game in boston soon

Before he can reply two more text messages pop up.

_ Unknown _: for the bruins i mean lol

_ Unknown _: this is jake btw lol forgot to say that im not a stalker i promise

So the unknown number is Jake, who Charlie assumes got his number from Gryz. Charlie takes a minute to create a new contact for him. It actually makes him kind of happy to see that one of his teammates actually bothers to talk to him.

_ Charlie _: Oh, thanks :)

_ Charlie _: I’m super stoked ngl

_ Jake _: bro im stoked for u lol

Suddenly, Charlie realizes that Jake somehow knew about him playing in Boston before, but for BU (at least, that’s what he assumes Jake meant), so he decides to ask about it.

_ Charlie _: Hey how did you know I’ve played in Boston before? Like not for the Bruins

_ Jake _: oh griz told be

_ Jake _: *me

_ Charlie _: Oh boy

_ Charlie _: What weird shit did he say about me

_ Jake _: lol no weird shit . he basically just said he knew u from by

_ Jake _: *by

_ Jake _: fucking autocorrect

_ Jake _: lol u know what i mean

It takes Charlie a few seconds too many to figure out that “by” is supposed to be “bu,” and that Jake is allergic to capital letters.

_ Jake _: fr tho u seem cool

_ Charlie _: Aw thanks :)

Charlie hits send before he realizes how much he hates that reply. Immediate cringing ensues.

_ Jake _: ;)

_ Jake _: *:)

_ Jake _: nvm i like the first one better lol

That actually makes Charlie laugh out loud. Jake seems like one of those people that are just kind of chill with whatever and whoever, which is good because Charlie can be an awkward mess with new friends. He makes the decision to put away the filter for a bit and relax.

_ Charlie _: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

_ Jake _: even better lol

From there, the conversation spirals into a bunch of memes and no actual words. Before Charlie knows it, it’s two in the morning.

_ Jake _: sorry just realized im keeping our nhl boi up past his bedtime

_ Jake _: u should get some rest

For what feels like the first time in his life, Charlie actually doesn’t want to end the conversation. But Jake does have a point, he should be in the best shape possible when he plays for Boston, which definitely doesn’t mean chasing lost sleep from three nights ago. Charlie sends a final goodnight text to Jake and plugs in his phone to charge overnight. In about an hour or so he’s fast asleep, dreaming of what his first ever NHL game will be like.


	2. Chapter 2

His first game is an away game, which means that he has to fly with the team to Ottawa. He’s, of course, super nervous, but Chara, Bergy, and Krej do a good job at making him feel comfortable, and Marchy makes him laugh by chirping his teammates (“Alright Bergy, got any broken ribs this time? Not like you’d tell us anyway, eh”). Slowly but surely, his excitement drowns out his nervousness, and eventually it feels like he’s going to explode if he doesn’t get on the ice _ right this instant _. There’s still a couple of days until the first game, though, to help the players cope with the jetlag.

They arrive at the hotel, and the first thing everyone does is go to their rooms to take a nap. Charlie is no exception. But before he can fall asleep, his phone rings. Most people that know him understand that he hates calling and facetiming, so he figures it’s just some random person with the wrong number. Instead, when he flips his phone over on the nightstand he sees that it’s a facetime call from Jake. He decides to answer it.

“Hey, Jake,” Charlie says, his voice surprisingly raspy as a result of not using it for the past few hours.

“Aaaaay, Charlie! How ya doin’ all the way up in Ottawa, eh?”

“Good, good. Haven’t done much of anything, yet. We pretty much just got here.”

“They haven’t forced you to do some monster workouts or anything yet? Swallow a couple raw eggs, maybe?” Jake says with his trademark toothy smile that seems to always be on his face.

“Hah! No... not yet, anyway.” The thought of swallowing raw eggs sends chills up Charlie’s spine.

“Well that’s good. Guess they figured it’s best not to scare away their next breakout hockey star.”

“Mm, not so sure about that one, bud.” Charlie wants to say that Jake would be the more likely ‘breakout star,’ but something stops him, and he isn’t quite sure what it is.

“Well, I am, and when we’re both rookies in the NHL next year, I’ll get to say ‘I told you so.’”

“How do you know we’re both gonna be rookies next year?”

“Because, I just know these things. It’s gonna happen. I can sense it like a… like a dog senses a thunderstorm, or something like that.”

“Yeah, whatever, weirdo.” It’s surprisingly difficult to talk to Jake without cracking a smile every three seconds.

“Alright, I gotta go, ‘m on my way back from practice. Just wanted to check to make sure you made it in one piece.” Something about Jake saying that makes Charlie feel inexplicably happy.

“M’kay, catch you later. Bye.”

“Bye.”

And with that, the first totally enjoyable non-awkward facetime call he’s ever had in his life is over. Something about Jake makes him super easy to talk to, and Charlie’s okay with that.

* * *

Boston loses in six games.

Charlie can’t help but feel guilty. Of course he knows that a loss is (almost) never only one person’s fault, but he can’t shake the thought that if it was somebody else on the ice instead of him, that things would’ve gone better. It wasn’t a sweep, and they definitely gave Ottawa a good run for their money, but in the end it just wasn’t good enough. And Charlie feels like shit. He didn’t even score. He got a few points, so at least he has that, but still. A goal would’ve been nice. A _ win _would’ve been nice. But here he is, experiencing breakup day even before he’s officially considered a rookie. Fucking fantastic.

At least they lost at home, so no one has to endure a long flight with a bunch of other sad-sacks.

Charlie doesn’t sleep much that night.

In the morning (more like early afternoon), he just rolls out of bed and goes straight for his phone to hopefully help him feel less miserable. There’s a notification for a text from Jake that’s much longer than his typical half-baked sentences.

_ Jake _: hey man, sorry about the loss . figured i’d wait until the morning to text u so u would be less tired.

just wanted u to know that im like super proud of u dude, even if u guys didnt win . from what i know

about u, ur sometimes pretty hard on yourself so i just want to make sure u know it wasn’t ur fault .

i recorded all the games so i could watch them and u played really well in my opinion. Hope u feel better

soon <3

Charlie’s not an emotional person. He tries to remind himself of this as he feels his eyes gloss over with tears. It’s honestly the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to him (even if the grammar is atrocious), and for some reason the fact that it’s from Jake makes it feel even sweeter. 

_ Charlie _: Omg that’s actually the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me thank u

_ Charlie _: I really needed that tbh

_ Jake _: any time :) 

_ Jake _: u doing ok?

_ Charlie _: Yeah I guess. Just kinda sucks, you know

_ Jake _: yeah i know. but theres always next year

_ Charlie _: Yup, when we’re both players for the Boston Bruins :)

_ Jake _: haha thats the spirit :)

_ Charlie _: For real tho, thanks for cheering me up. U do that well :)

Charlie debates sending that last part, but he decides to go for it. What’s the worst that could happen, right?

_ Jake _: aw thanks. im always here for u if u need it

Charlie’s only known Jake for a little while, but he thinks that they’ll be good friends for a long time.

Or maybe Jake’s just doing this to be nice and doesn’t really want to be friends.

Oh no.

No, no, wait a second. Charlie’s not going to let social anxiety get in the way of this one. Jake’s the one that texted and called first each time. If anything, Charlie should text Jake first a couple times so it’s even. Maybe he’ll do that tonight. Until then, doing absolutely nothing seems pretty appealing. He’ll probably get a few more text messages from other people offering their condolences, which he’ll reluctantly respond to and then ghost the person if they reply back. They’re probably used to it by now (Gryz definitely is).

* * *

That evening, Charlie decides to go through on the attempt to do something that he’s never willingly done before: start a conversation. He has no idea how to do this. Does it count as writer’s block if he’s just writing a text? He thinks back to whenever Jake started a conversation, and it was always by talking about a specific topic rather than just a flat, boring ‘hey.’ Maybe a meme would be a good idea? No, that would just lead to another conversation where no one actually converses and instead just sends weird pictures and videos and shit. Not that those aren’t fun, they’re just not what he’s looking for right now. More than anything, Charlie would love to be able to talk about something more personal, like his anxiety. Even though anxiety has been affecting him less and less since he stopped living with his parents, it still can be a bit of a sensitive subject, despite the fact that it doesn’t drastically change the way his life plays out. He has no idea how to direct a conversation to go in that direction, though.

Maybe texting Jake first isn’t a good idea after all.

And, ha, Charlie is definitely overthinking this. This is how all his high school friends would act before sending a message to their crush, and he remembers thinking how stupid it was. It still is stupid. It’s a fucking text message, for fuck’s sake. Charlie doesn’t remember feeling like this for any of his other friends, not that he has a huge sample space to choose from. Probably because he’s never texted or called any of them first, except maybe Gryz once or twice.

Charlie decides that the best course of action would be to start off with a question, but he’s not sure what. After a few minutes of thought, he gets an idea. Over the past few months, he’s been toying around with the idea of writing a song on the guitar (electric of course), not to be published anywhere or anything, just for the fun of it. He already has a couple of ideas for how the song’s main riff should go, so maybe he could send a short video with both riffs and ask Jake to choose which one he likes better. That opens up the conversation to talk about music, and that seems like a pretty safe subject to talk about. It’s the perfect plan.

_ Charlie _: *IMG_1314.MOV*

_ Charlie _: Which one do you like better?

_ Jake _: omg i didn’t know u played the guitar!

_ Jake _: which songs are those from ?

_ Charlie _: One of them is gonna be the main riff to a song I’m working on

_ Jake _: UR WRITING A SONG ?? THATS SO COOL

_ Charlie _: Haha thanks. So which one will it be?

_ Jake _: oh right lol

_ Jake _: sorry i got distracted

Jake takes a few seconds before he replies again.

_ Jake _: i like the first one

_ Jake _: well i like them both but the first one is my fav i think

_ Charlie _: Cool, thanks for the help. I can keep u updated on how the song is coming along if u want

_ Jake _: yesssss plz :)

_ Jake _: r u gonna sing?

_ Charlie _: GOD no. I have some lyrics, but I doubt they’ll ever actually be sung

_ Jake _: aww u should sing! I bet u have a good vice

_ Jake _: *voice lol

_ Charlie _: Thanks lol, but I’m just gonna stick to my guitar for now

_ Charlie _: What kind of music do u like?

_ Jake _: i like anything really . as long as im listening with someone else

_ Jake _: i like jamming out with othr people

_ Jake _: *other

_ Charlie _: Even heavy metal?

_ Jake _: yeah im down for that

_ Jake _: ur a metalhead im guessing?

_ Charlie _: Absolutely lol

_ Jake _: what’s ur favorite song?

_ Charlie _: I don’t know, it kind of changes a lot. Right now it would probably be Master of Puppets 

by Metallica, it’s been stuck in my head recently for some reason lol

_ Jake _: hey i actually know that one !

_ Jake _: can u play it on guitar?

_ Charlie _: I’m working on it… it makes my right hand want to explode

_ Jake _: ouch :/

_ Charlie _: Yeah

The conversation is dying, and Charlie doesn’t know what to do. He’s fine with ending it here but… does he just not say anything else? Does he say goodbye? It’s too early to say that he’s going to bed, and too weird to say that he’s going to take a shower, so he just leaves it. Just when he’s about to walk away, he gets another text from Jake.

_ Jake _: hey do u wanna get lunch sometime this week ?

_ Charlie _: Yeah, sounds great :)

_ Charlie _: You can choose the place. I’m not picky at all

_ Jake _: cool, ill text u tomorrow when i think of a place . im too tired to think now lol

_ Charlie _: Ok lol. Ttly

_ Jake _: ttyl

It’s over. He did it. Charlie “Never-Starts-A-Conversation” McAvoy has done what his made-up name implies he cannot do: start a conversation. A _ successful _ conversation, might he add. And to top it all off, he _ actually has a planned social activity in a few days _that Gryz didn’t even have to badger him about. Gryz is gonna be so proud of him when Charlie tells him tomorrow. It’s the small victories in life that keep you going. The score is still Charlie:1 - Anxiety:0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that Marchy would probably never dream of chirping Saint Patrice™, but oh well.


	3. Chapter 3

It’s about 12:30 in the afternoon when Gryz decides to stop by Charlie’s apartment (a common occurrence). As soon as Charlie hears the knock on his door, he knows who’s there.

“C’mon in, door’s not locked.”

Gryz walks in and goes right to the fridge, like he owns the place. Charlie doesn’t mind.

“You have lunch yet?” Gryz asks as he sifts through whatever’s in the fridge. He eventually decides on a leftover half of a sandwich wrapped in cling wrap.

“No, just woke up like an hour ago.”

“Jesus, Charlie.”

“You can take what you want, m’gonna wait till dinner to eat.” 

“And make me sit all by myself?” Gryz asks with a fake pout.

“Just come over here and eat on the couch.”

“Ugh, fine” he replies, fake annoyed.

After a few moments of no one saying anything and Gryz shoving food in his mouth, Charlie decides to tell him about his social achievements from yesterday’s conversation with Jake.

“Hey, guess what.”

“What” Gryz chokes out through a mouthful of sandwich.

“I texted someone else first yesterday.”

“Yeah, Jake already told me” he says after swallowing the bite of food he took.

Not exactly the reply Charlie was expecting, but it’s fine.

“Did he tell you that we’re going to get lunch at some point this week?”

“Wait, he was telling the truth?”

“Well yeah, who the fuck lies about something like that?”

“I don’t know, I just figured that it was more likely for Jake to be lying than for you to actually agree to go somewhere and do something social” Gryz says with a little bit of a smile to show that he didn’t mean any offense.

“So you just called him a liar?”

“Maybe a little.”

“God, Gryz.” Charlie pauses and chuckles a little. “He must have been so confused.”

“No, I explained the fact that you’re normally super ‘socially-avoident’ or whatever the fuck you call it and that you typically never do stuff like that. I think he felt kind of bad after I said that, so try not to be an asshole when you’re on your lunch date.”

“Gryz!” Charlie yells as he punches him in the arm for everything that was wrong with what he just said. But Charlie actually is concerned that Jake feels bad for talking to him now.

“Does Jake actually feel bad for talking to me?”

“Well, I think he might be more cautious about keeping your personal space now, but I don’t think he really feels bad or anything.”

“Gryz, what the fuck?” Charlie says with some annoyance in his voice.

“Wha-, but, isn’t that a good thing? Like he understands that you’re an introvert now?” Gryz asks, confused.

“Uh, yeah, but… I don’t know. I don’t want to make him think that he’s annoying me any time he tries to talk to me, ‘cause he’s not. He’s super fun to talk to.”

Gryz takes a few seconds before he says anything again. He’s staring down at his feet with his brow furrowed, like he’s concentrating on something.

“Hey, Charlie, I actually am sorry about what I said to him earlier. I was just surprised. I know you don’t completely hate all people… I mean, we’re friends. Just… sorry”

“It’s all good, I can just clear it up with him when we get lunch.”

“Okay, good.” Gryz looks at Charlie and smiles. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go back to eating my sandwich.”

“Go for it.”

Gryz might act like kind of an asshole sometimes, but he really does have Charlie’s best interests in mind. He was the first friend that Charlie made that actually understood the fact that he’s an introvert with anxiety issues, and that he behaves differently than a ‘normal’ person would. Gryz was the first person to understand that just because Charlie hardly ever starts conversations doesn’t mean never wants to talk, and that just because he left you on read doesn’t mean he’s ignoring you, it just means that he doesn’t have the energy to carry a conversation right now. And sometimes, he does need to be left alone for a while. Charlie hopes that Jake will learn to understand, too.

A couple hours after Gryz leaves, Charlie’s phone buzzes. He’s pretty sure that it’s Jake with info on which restaurant they’ll be having lunch at.

He opens his phone, and his assumption turns out to be correct

_ Jake _: hey i think i have a good idea for a place to go 4 lunch

_ Jake _: not today obv but maybe 2morrow?

_ Charlie _: y34h, 2m0rr0w 50und5 900d

_ Jake _: r u mocking me ?? how dare

_ Charlie _: wh4t? Wh7 w0u1d u 54y th4t?

_ Jake _: u make me cry :’(

_ Charlie _: Okay I’m stopping now that takes forever to type haha

_ Jake _: good haha

_ Charlie _: So where we gonna go for lunch?

_ Jake _: oh yah

_ Jake _: i was thinking this pub and grill down the street from my apt

_ Jake _: sound good?

_ Charlie _: Sounds great :)

_ Charlie _: We just gonna meet there at a certain time?

_ Jake _: i could come pick u up

_ Jake _: save u some gas $

_ Charlie _: Always looking out for others, this guy

_ Charlie _: I’ll send u my address. Any time tomorrow is fine 👌 

_ Charlie _: *address*

_ Jake _: cool see u them

_ Jake _: *then

_ Charlie _: 👍 

Charlie’s actually pretty excited to do something social, for once in his life.

(He still doesn’t realize the extent of how abnormal that is for him. Gryz was onto something)

* * *

Charlie sets his alarm for nine o’clock in the morning in order to avoid looking like a zombie who just got raised from the dead when Jake arrives to pick him up to go to lunch. It’s just a pub, nothing fancy, so he just grabs a pair of joggers and a random t-shirt he found in his drawer. He showered last night, so all he does is run his fingers through his hair and watch his face and shit before… well, he’s not sure. He hadn’t planned out what to do before Jake gets here, and the only things he really feels like doing after break*up d*y are work out, zone out on the television screen as it projects a series of abstract colors and sounds that he doesn’t bother to try and comprehend, and sleep. 

After a few moments of thought, he decides to keep working on his song side-project thing so he has some updates that he can share with Jake. The lyrics are mostly done, but as Charlie mulls them over in his head, he decides to change the wording to a small part of the pre-chorus before continuing to work out what the melody will sound like and how it will fit together with the rest of the song. He makes some decent progress before he hears the doorbell ring at exactly 12:00 on the dot. Charlie goes and opens the door, and is greeted by Jake as expected.

“Hey, Chuck, you ready to go?”

“Yup.”

“Cool, hop in.” Jake motions to the passenger’s side door. Once they’re both in, Jake plugs in phone to the aux cord and starts playing none other than Master of Puppets.

“Hey, you remembered what music I like!” Charlie says, pretty excited that someone else actually tolerates his music taste (he’s had pretty bad luck with finding other metalheads).

“Yeah, I downloaded the song before I left to come get you.” 

“That’s awesome!” Charlie says, grinning, causing Jake to smile as well.

They spend the rest of the car ride jamming out to Metallica (they get there before the song is even over), and to Charlie’s surprise, Jake actually knows some of the lyrics. When they get to the restaurant and are seated, Charlie decides to break the silence by talking about how his song is going.

“Hey, so, you know that song thing I’ve been making?” Jake nods in response. “So, I was working on it a bit more this morning and, well, I didn’t get a chance to record any of it, but I was working on the main melody so the song has like, half of a chorus now. I changed a line of lyrics, too, but that’s not really important.”

“Do you have the lyrics with you?” Jake asks, unaware of how personal the question is.

“Uh yeah, I got them written down, but they’re kinda… not really intense, but… I don’t know, not super happy. I mean, I don’t mind at all if people read them, just like… I don’t know, be aware, I guess”

“Okay, I mean, I’m fine with not-super-happy lyrics.” Jake replies.

“Okay cool” Charlie says as he pulls up the lyrics on his phone. “Here.”

Jake takes a minute or so to read over the lyrics.

“Dang, this is really good! I could totally imagine this as a rock song” Jake says as he hands the phone back to Charlie.

“Uh, thanks.” Charlie’s never been good with responding to compliments, especially when they’re about something as personal as song lyrics.

They talk for a few minutes after the waitress comes over to take their drink orders (they both get Dr. Pepper) before Charlie realizes he never apologized for Gryz being, well, the way that he is.

“Hey, so, Gryz told me that he thought you were lying when you said that we were getting lunch, and he probably made it sound like I’m some basement-dwelling antisocial goblin, which isn’t exactly true. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is like, sorry on his behalf.”

“Oh, thank you,” Jake says while chuckling. He seems pretty relieved. “Yeah man, you should’ve seen his face, you’d think I had just punched someone in the face or something. He actually looked scared.” He’s full on laughing now. Charlie’s laughing with him.

“Bro, he’d be like, the worst wingman ever. He’d go up to someone all like ‘Hey, you see that guy over there? Well, I don’t know, he probably won’t want to talk to you or anything, but he’s cool, I guess. You should go talk to him… or, on second thought, don’t.’” They’re both laughing super hard when the waitress comes back over and tries to take their orders.

“Shit, I didn’t read the menu,” Jake says as he frantically flips through it. “Uh, I don’t know, a burger sounds good.” He orders it cooked medium and with a side of fries.

“Yeah, I’ll just get the exact same as him,” Charlie says, not feeling like trying to speed read a menu. The waitress leaves to put in their orders.

The rest of their lunch is pretty enjoyable, save for Jake making Charlie laugh right as he takes a swig of Dr. Pepper. Although, even that was pretty funny (even if it did burn like hell). They decide to split the bill (after five minutes of them fighting over who would pay), and Jake drops off Charlie at his apartment after another car ride of jamming out to heavy metal. He walks in and sits down on the couch, like he normally would after doing something social, but unlike most times, he actually doesn’t feel tired at all. Like, it’s not unusual for Charlie to enjoy hanging out with friends, but he always feels tired in a way that’s hard to describe once he gets home, or once everyone leaves. Well, _ almost _ always, because right now he just… doesn’t. It’s weird, but not exactly weird enough to warrant concern.

And, speaking of weird, Charlie realizes that he fought over paying the bill for _ five whole minutes _ . That is definitely NOT like him. And sure, he would never manipulate someone into doing something like that, but he would never _ refuse _ it if they offered, either. It’s basically free money, why would you not accept it? Why did he argue over that? He figures that Jake must’ve caught him in a good mood, but as the omniscient narrator I know that’s _ not fucking true you walnut-brained pinhead you just experienced your first playoff loss less than a week ago why the fuck would you be in a good mood. _ I mean… uh… Charlie decides not to think anything more of it and goes on with his day <strike>while continuing to be a complete fucking idiot</strike>. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am allowed to call my rendition of Charlie McAvoy a pinhead because I, too, was once a pinhead in his situation. Don't worry, he'll stop being an idiot at some point. Also, I kinda made Gryz a bit more of an asshole than I meant to, so just trust me when I say he actually is a good guy in this story. He's just not really sure what's going on sometimes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I haven't updated in forever, but I kind of bit off more than I can chew in school and now I'm paying for it.

The day is here. It’s finally happening. Charlie McAvoy, along with a decent sized group of people from the Providence Bruins, are officially NHL rookies. Somehow, this feels even better than when he got called up last year. Like, he’s not just ‘in the system’ anymore, he’s _ actually part of the team _. And of course, that on its own is amazing, but to be a rookie with other people you’re already friends with is incredible. The media might start saying how having a bunch of ‘inexperienced young guys’ on the team could negatively impact the Bruins’ overall performance, but to Charlie, having a bunch of his friends be rookies at the same time as him is the best thing ever. He and Gryz could even end up as a d-pair, how cool would that be! And of course, there’s Jake, who had become a much closer friend over the summer, as well as Danny, who Charlie also got to know better over the past few months. He never got a chance to play with Sean Kuraly, but he seems pretty cool from Danny’s description of him. All in all, this is the most optimistic Charlie’s ever been about how the year will go. 

* * *

It’s the second period of Charlie’s first NHL game as an actual Boston Bruin. They’re up 2-1, thanks to none other than Jake DeBrusk scoring his first NHL goal to break the tie. Charlie’s feeling it. The whole bench is feeling it. He can’t wait to get back out on the ice. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, coach Cassidy gives him the signal. His brain tunes out everything except for his hockey sense. At this moment, nothing else matters.

The Bruins get possession. Charlie sprints up the neutral zone like he’s trying to give Bobby Orr a run for his money. Krejci has the puck at the left dot in the attacking zone. He sees Charlie flying over the blue line and dishes out a centering pass, and it lands right on Charlie’s stick. He shoots. The goal horn sounds. He did it.

He fucking did it.

His first NHL goal.

His teammates on the ice start piling in for the celly, one of whom is Jake. Charlie’s brain loses the ability to think in actual words; all he feels is pure ecstasy. Jake’s smile is just as big as when he scored earlier in the game, and seeing it somehow makes Charlie even happier.

* * *

The game finally ends, and the Bruins come out on top 4-3. Charlie’s so happy that he’s legitimately shaking. He and the other rookies decide to meet up at Jake’s apartment to celebrate their first NHL win, as well as Jake and Charlie’s first NHL goals. Charlie can’t believe how much he loves his life right now.

A few minutes later, everyone arrives at Jake’s place and piles into his living room. They don’t have another game for a few days, so Jake hands everyone a beer and turns on some music. Charlie doesn’t recognize it, and apparently, no one else does either because they all start chirping him.

“Bro, not to be that guy, but what even is this?” Danny says while giving Jake a questioning look.

“I don’t know, it’s just some spotify playlist I found,” Jake replies while unlocking his phone to see what’s playing.

“Okay, how about you play something that at least one of us would actually know,” Gryz adds. Charlie knows that he doesn’t actually give a fuck.

Jake starts going through his phone for music, and mischievous smile suddenly appears on his face.

“Okay, I can do that. I know for a fact at least one of you knows this.”

He starts playing Master of Puppets, which causes Charlie to crack up.

“Hell yeah!” he shouts, between his laughter.

“Hey, I’m down for this,” Kurls says, pleasantly surprised by the song choice.

Gryz just groans and chuckles at the same time. “Fuckin’... Charlie,” he says, still smiling.

And yeah, Charlie could get used to this. Hanging out with all the guys is definitely fun, especially when it’s at Jake’s apartment. Over the summer, he and Jake would hang here pretty regularly, and Charlie’s got good memories of this place.

Good memories and one… not so good. Well, it turned out okay, but the fact that it happened still haunts him a little.

He’s sitting in the exact spot that it happened right now. Thinking about it causes a small jolt of anxiety to course through his body. 

* * *

He was sitting right there, playing Super Smash Bros with Jake. Everything was fine, good even. Charlie was beating Jake pretty easily; video games just came naturally to him. Jake was a good sport about it, though.

“Jesus, how are you so good at this?” Jake asked after a particularly bad skunking.

“I dunno, just one of the many random, useless skills I have. I’m a boss at guitar hero, too,” Charlie replied. Jake was used to his self-deprecating humor by then (even if he still didn’t like it).

“Oh well, I’m happy to lose as long as I get to play.”

“I thought you were gonna ‘absolutely own me,’” Charlie said using air quotes, imitating what Jake had said before they started playing.

“It’s no fun if I can’t trash talk at least a little,” Jake said while smiling and eye rolling at the same time. Charlie found it endearing. 

_ Pang _

Without warning, a surge of anxiety traveled through his entire body. It left as soon as it came, leaving no trace of its presence. Charlie didn’t think much of it; that kind of thing happened to him pretty frequently.

After a few minutes, it happened again. _ Pang _

This time, a trace of the feeling was left behind. At first it was hardly noticeable, but pretty soon it began to grow. He could feel it right below his ribs, like a ball of anxious heat. His heartbeat accelerated, and his hands started to tremble.

_ Pang _. Once more, the feeling surged through his body, but this time it was much stronger. It was becoming much harder to focus on the game he was playing. At this point, Charlie knew what was happening. He was about to have a panic attack, and he had less than a minute before his body would start to lock up. The problem was that Jake didn’t even know that he had anxiety, and likely wouldn’t understand what was happening. 

Charlie made the stupid mistake of not saying anything.

Before long, he started messing up on the game controls. His brain was short-circuiting. _ ‘Why here? Why now? Why? Why? Why?’ _ repeated in his mind like a broken record. He knew he didn’t have much time before actual words would begin dissolving from his mind, leaving behind nothing except an intense feeling of panic.

His fingers started to lock completely.

After a few seconds of Charlie’s character not moving on the screen, Jake looked over to see what was up. He immediately looked extremely concerned. That made Charlie panic even more, and his whole body started to shake. There were no thoughts in his mind; everything was just a feeling now, a blurred feeling of undiluted terror. He had to bite down on his arm to keep himself from screaming.

“Oh- Oh my god, are you having a seizure? What’s going on? Are you okay?” Jake asked rapid fire. Charlie tried to shake his head no, but it just resulted in a violent jerking motion. He focused all his energy on saying the word _ panic _, hoping that Jake would understand what he meant.

Finally, he managed to unclench his jaw and squeak it out. It sounded more like a gasp than an actual word.

“Panic… I… I don’t know… you mean like a panic attack? Do you have anxiety?” Jake asked, once again very quickly. It took a few seconds for Charlie to process what he said, but even after he did, he couldn’t answer.

A few seconds of incredibly tense silence followed.

“What do I do?” Jake asked, sounding (and looking) like he was on the verge of tears.

For some reason, at that moment, Charlie was nearly overcome with the desire to latch onto Jake and never let go. All he wanted to do was hug him. The shock of the unceremonious and abrupt arrival of this random feeling nearly made Charlie have a total body convulsion. But even if he could’ve talked, he would never have told Jake this. Instead, Charlie did his absolute best to tell Jake to call Gryz (he had been there for a good amount of Charlie’s panic attacks in the past, so he’d know what to do). 

After a few seconds of only being able to choke out noises, he finally managed to get out the word “Gryz.”

“Gryz? Like, you need Gryz? Uh, okay, I’ll go call him now,” Jake said as he bolted out of the room. Eh, I guess that was close enough to what Charlie wanted.

In the other room, Jake was frantically talking to Gryz like he was a 911 operator or something. “Ok, so, Charlie’s having a panic attack, like… from out of the blue, and he said your name… I think he wants you to come over here, or something? I’m not sure what to do,” Jake said before Gryz cut him off.

“Woah, woah, Jake. He’s fine, I promise. And I don’t think he necessarily wants me to be there, I think he just wanted you to call me so I could tell you to chill the fuck out”

“What? How could you… he can’t move! He looks like he’s in so much pain!” Jake shouted back angrily. How could Gryz be so… unempathetic?

“Okay, okay, I get that sounded pretty bad, but I promise you, I’ve seen this happen before. Afterwards, Charlie always says that it looks worse than it is. And I believe him,” Gryz responded. Jake took a deep breath.

“Alright, I’m sorry. Just please tell me what I can do.”

“Well, there isn’t a whole lot you can do, and every time he has an attack, it’s different. Sometimes, he wants to be alone, and sometimes he needs to hug someone”

“But, how do I know which one this is?”

“I don’t know, try going over there and like, hugging him or something. I know that sounds kind of weird, but just try to be comforting. If he kind of draws away, just leave for a few minutes, and if he hugs you back, then stay.”

“What if he doesn’t do anything?”

Gryz paused to think for a few moments before saying, “Well, in your case, I would stay.”

“What do you mean in my case?”

“I mean, for some reason, Charlie’s always said that you like… bypass his social anxiety or something; he doesn’t know why, you just do. So you could probably stay.”

Jake felt his cheeks turn a slight shade of pink.

“Oh, and one more thing,” Gryz said after a few seconds.

“What?”

“Do not, and I mean do NOT, say you’re sorry. That’ll make _ him _ think that _ you _ think it’s your fault. But it’s not, and Charlie’s gonna feel super guilty if you keep apologizing.”

_ Yeah, ask the Canadian boy to not say sorry. That’ll go well, _ Jake thought to himself. “Thanks,” he said to Gryz before hanging up and going back out to see how Charlie was doing. The second Jake stepped into the room, Charlie hit him with these big, anxious eyes that nearly forced the ‘sorry’ right out of him. But he kept it together. He walked over to the couch Charlie was sitting and slung an arm over him, giving him a slight squeeze and a small smile while trying his best to say _ it’s gonna be okay _ without actually talking. As soon as Charlie looked him in the eye, he buried his head in Jake’s shoulder and hugged him so tightly that he could hardly breathe. All Jake could do was hug him back; there were no words to be said (plus, the only words that he could think of were ‘I’m sorry’). 

In a few minutes (more like 10), Charlie was able to talk again and explained to Jake exactly what Gryz had said: that it was better than it looked, and he was fine. But unlike Gryz, Jake didn’t buy it. He didn’t think that Charlie was lying, he just thought that there was something more going on that even Charlie didn’t understand. He knew how crazy that sounded, but he simply couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.

And Charlie had no idea.

* * *

One by one, the guys start to exit the apartment. Soon it’s just Charlie and Jake, in a situation similar to the one before The Incident, just playing video games and chatting. Jake’s being just as good a sport as ever, and Charlie’s absolutely wiping the floor with him. Every time Charlie pulls some incredible move that drains half of Jake’s health bar, he always goes, “what!?” and does his signature laugh. The one that Charlie swears sounds like a mixture of like, wedding bells and mourning doves and a bubbling stream and every other beautiful thing on the planet.

But it sounds even better coming from Jake. It’s not just any beautiful laugh, it’s Jake’s beautiful laugh. 

Charlie feels something. Like a thought that’s desperately trying to gain traction on some actual words, but it remains just a feeling. A glowy feeling. Then, it transforms into a whisper, but Charlie still can’t hear what it is. Then, it goes quiet, like it’s drawing in a breath. 

_ Kiss him _.

It’s like a water dam burst inside Charlie. All these feelings, all these thoughts, they finally make sense. The weird ‘social anxiety bypass,’ the reason Charlie wanted to hug Jake so bad when he had a panic attack, the reason his laugh sounds so fucking gorgeous, the reason he wanted to stay after everyone else left. 

To Charlie, this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to him. He has no fucking idea what to do.

So, as nonchalantly as he can manage, he says goodbye and leaves Jake’s apartment. Once he gets back to his own, he buries his face in his hands and starts shaking (at some point in his life, Charlie stopped being able to cry at anything other than a fictional movie, and would shake instead). People always say that tomorrow is another day, but it’s another day that Charlie wishes he didn’t have to face.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that I fucked up the date when Claude Julien was replaced by Bruce Cassidy on one of my previous chapters, but I changed it so hopefully it's correct now. Anyways, enjoy this unproportionally long chapter that I wrote as as a result of procrastinating my biology homework :)

Charlie doesn’t sleep well. He keeps tossing and turning, and thinking about that one thought from earlier. _ Kiss him _. Getting hit by a bus would’ve been less of a jarring impact than that. Maybe he was just overreacting; maybe this was one of those things like when you’re taking a picture looking off of a bridge and your brain tells you to chuck your phone off the edge. But, on the other hand… all those feelings that came afterward were definitely not just a passing thought. It was like in those murder-mystery movies when the detective gets one final piece of the puzzle and everything comes together; that one thought suddenly made the past year of his life make sense. That couldn’t have been an accident, right?

In the morning, Charlie rolls out of bed at the sound of his alarm (he was already awake) and tries his best to get ready for the day, thanking the universe that he didn’t have practice today. Not only is he too tired to pour the milk into his coffee without spilling it all over the floor, but he really doesn’t feel ready to see Jake after his whole… epiphany. Charlie’s actually never had a crush on anyone before (all the more reason that this whole experience has been so shocking for him), so he certainly isn’t used to trying to hide it from someone. Maybe telling someone else will help ease the pressure, someone he can trust, like Gryz.

_ Charlie: _ Hey

_ Charlie: _I need to talk to you

He gets a reply almost instantly. Gryz never gets off his phone on off days.

_ Matt: _ Oh boy that sounds serious

_ Charlie: _It is

_ Charlie: _But you have to swear on your life that you won’t tell a soul

_ Matt: _ My lips are sealed

_ Charlie: _ Geez I don’t even know how to say this without sounding like a dork lmao

Charlie takes a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

_ Charlie: _ I think I kinda have a thing for Jake. Like a romantic thing

That triple-dot bubble appears and disappears rapidly for a couple moments.

_ Matt: _ OHMY FUKCING GOD I KNEW IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

_ Matt: _THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE I THOUGHT I WAS NEVER GONNA GET TO TALKABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS WITH YOU IM SO HAPPY

_ Charlie: _Wait, you knew it? I didn’t even know it until yesterday

_ Matt: _Well I guess i didn’t know it but I hoped it lmao

_ Charlie: _Wtf you shipped us

_ Matt: _Lol yeah

They keep talking for another hour or so, and Charlie tells him everything he knows about the situation. Gryz is super supportive of the whole thing, and is hellbent on finding out if Jake is even the slightest bit gay. Charlie even finds himself looking forward to their next practice in a weird way; he can’t wait to actually talk to Gryz in person. But of course, part of him is still dreading seeing Jake again, or at least, dreading the embarrassment of how he’ll react to seeing Jake again.

* * *

The next day rolls around, and Charlie has practice later that afternoon. He’s got the jitters pretty badly, or at least too badly to play the guitar without messing up every two seconds. He really wants to keep working on his song, but that will have to wait. His breakfast doesn’t even want to slide down his throat because he’s so tense. Now all that’s left to do is wait.

Charlie arrives at practice about an hour later. The energy in the locker room is the same as it always is, for everyone else, that is. Luckily, Gryz is already there, and he makes eye contact with Charlie and gives him an affirming smile and a head nod, which helps quell the butterflies in his stomach.

“Hey, dude, you seen my water bottle? I can’t find it.” The voice belongs to none other than Jake DeBrusk. He can do this.

“Uh, no, they all kinda look the same. You got your name on it?”

“Yeah, it’s kinda hard to see, though.”

“Alright, well I’ll keep an eye out, I guess. Is there ever a practice where you actually know where everything is?” Charlie chirps. This actually isn’t as hard as he thought it would be. It’s still the same old Jake.

“Just ‘cause my stuff is messy doesn’t mean I don’t know where it is,” Jake lightheartedly quips back.

Charlie takes out his own water bottle out from his bag and starts drinking from it when Jake stops him.

“Hey, that’s mine!”

“What?” Charlie looks at the other side of the bottle.

“See, my name’s right there” Jake says while pointing to a barely legible smudge.

“Oh sorry,” Charlie says, handing back the water bottle. He knows no one ever really puts their mouth on them, but Charlie still feels a bit giddy knowing that he accidentally drank from Jake’s water bottle.

“Wait, then where the fuck is my water bottle?” Charlie asks after a few seconds.

“Beats me, next time think before you grill someone on their organizational skills,” Jake says while giving Charlie a small shove. He’s very glad that everyone else had already gone out to the ice so no one could see him blush.

It’s a pretty normal practice at first. It’s still early in the season, so there’s still some things to get used to, but overall everything is pretty normal.

Except for the fact that Charlie can’t seem to take his eyes off Jake, and it’s causing him to make some pretty noticeable and uncharacteristic mistakes. He’ll either be a few feet off where he wanted to pass the puck, or he can’t get it to lay flat, or he’ll completely not see somebody with a wide open passing lane and just shoot it into traffic. He’s definitely off, but at this point in time he can still probably put some of the blame on being rusty from the offseason. He knows that’s not true, and Gryz knows that’s not true, but nobody questions it.

Charlie’s got the puck on his stick and is weaving his way through the neutral zone. They’re just doing three-on-three schrimages right now, so there is a lot of room to move the puck. Well, there’s supposed to be, but Charlie is having trouble knowing where to go for some reason. It feels like he’s playing against six people instead of three. Jake is skating up the right side of the ice, and Charlie wants to put the puck on his stick, but he’s completely forgotten how to open up a passing lane. The puck is easily stripped from him by Bergy, who feeds it to Pasta and beats Rask short side on a wrap-around goal.

“Tuukks, make sure you seal that post,” Cassidy says from the side of the ice. Charlie knows it’s him next.

“And Charlie, you seem to be having a rough day today. I want to see that cleaned up by the next game, alright? I know you got it in you.”

“Uhm,” Charlie stutters, for no reason. He knows he needs to clean up his act, and it’s not like this is the first time he’s received a correction. But for some reason, he feels like a kid in elementary school who never gets in trouble that just got told off by the teacher. Suddenly, he gets a huge surge of anxiety. 

_ Pang. _

Oh. Oh no. This can’t be happening, he can’t be about to have a panic attack _ now _! He’s never had one on the ice before, hockey was supposed to be his safe space, now what’s going to happen? Coach Cassidy doesn’t even know that this is a thing for him, what’s he going to do? Well, he must see the fear in his eyes, because he asks Charlie if he’s alright.

“Uh, yeah, I, uh… I just need some water.” Charlie replies. He needs to get off the ice, now. Jake and Gryz share knowing looks, and both rush to Charlie’s aid to help him off the ice. He still doesn’t know where his water bottle is, but Cassidy knows that’s not what he really needs (although, he still isn’t sure what exactly is going on).

“Uh, do you guys need me to do anything?” he asks Jake and Gryz.

“No, just give us a few minutes,” Gryz responds. 

They help drag Charlie into the locker room, where he puts his head in his knees and starts shaking violently. Poor Jake looks even more terrified than Charlie, though, even after watching this happen once before. Even Gryz is showing some concern on his face; Charlie never gets panic attacks on the ice. This is new territory for everyone.

Gryz takes Charlie’s hand and asks, “Okay Charlie, are you alright? One squeeze for yes, two for no.” Jake feels stupid for not thinking of doing that the first time.

Charlie squeezes Gryz’s hand twice.

“Wait, did he just do that twice? What do we do?” Jake asks Gryz, even more panicked than before.

“Yeah, don’t worry, everything will be alright,” he tells everyone in the room, including himself. Both Gryz and Charlie are somewhat aware of what (or who) triggered this attack, but unfortunately, the trigger himself has no idea and is now glued to Charlie’s side. “Jake, go try and find Charlie’s water bottle,” he says to try and get Jake out of the room.

“I don’t know where it is, let me just get mine,” Jake replies, and that is definitely not what Gryz wanted. But before he can say anything, Jake is booking it out of the locker room. “Shit, sorry bud,” he says to Charlie, earning himself a strained smile. At this point, Gryz and Charlie have figured out that anything able to trigger Charlie’s feelings for Jake is counterproductive for his anxiety. Jake return a few seconds later with his water bottle.

“Here,” he says as he holds it out for Charlie, who extends a shaky and rigid hand to take it. Looking at it filled him with even more anxiety, as predicted, and he freezes completely.

“Okay, we’ll try again in a few minutes,” Gryz says as he takes the water bottle out of Charlie’s hand. “Here, take it, you should get back out on the ice, I got this,” he tells Jake, who reluctantly agrees. Both men look relieved when he exits. They exchange a look that can only be described as ‘God, this is going to be fucking interesting’ in facial expression form. “You got it bad, don’t you?” Gryz teases, hoping to get a small laugh out of Charlie, but instead he just buries his head in his knees again. “Hey, I’m sorry. It’ll get better, I promise.” Charlie shakes his head no.

Now it’s Jake’s turn to be sloppy with the puck. By now, though, Cassidy has figured out that there’s something really off. He doesn’t say anything to Jake, but he gives him a look that says ‘come talk to me when this is over.’ And that’s exactly what Jake does. 

“Hey, what’s going on with you, and Gryz, and Charlie? What happened earlier?” asks Cassidy. 

“Uh, panic attack, I’m just worried about him.” He replies, hoping that Charlie won’t be mad at him for saying that afterwards.

“Well that much is clear, but why is he having one now? Must be pretty serious if it was during practice.” 

“Yeah, it must be, but I don’t know why. Ask Gryz, he’s been in the locker room with him the whole time.” Cassidy looks slightly annoyed at that, probably because Gryz basically just skipped practice, but he doesn’t say anything.

In the locker room, poor Charlie can still hardly speak. Coach Cassidy keeps trying to talk to him, but it always ends up being Gryz that answers. He doesn’t say anything about Charlie’s thing for Jake, though, even when Cassidy asks what caused all this, much to Charlie’s relief. 

“Well, I don’t want this to happen again, both for the team’s sake and for yours. If you need anything, I’m always here,” Cassidy says before leaving the locker room. It’s still a few minutes before Charlie gets the strength to walk out the door so Gryz can drive him home.

This fucking crush is going to be the end of him.

* * *

The year creeps by very slowly, slower than time has ever passed in his life. The feeling of getting dunked in a dunk tank every time he looks at Jake is getting real old, and it’s making his anxiety more debilitating than it’s ever been. Social anxiety bypasses don’t help when that same person gives you a panic attack at least once a week. Occasionally, they’ll even be at practice, so coach Cassidy has become much more familiar with how to deal with him. But his patience with Charlie is wearing kind of thin, and they both know things aren’t getting better.

They have a game tomorrow night against Vancouver. Charlie honestly isn’t looking forward to it. He’s tired for no particular reason and is having one of those days where he just wants to lie and bed and feel sorry for himself. It’s an away game, too, so he can’t bring his guitar. He finally finished the song he was working on, and even got the courage to show it to Jake, who gave him a big bear hug at the end and told him that it was amazing (Charlie even caught him humming it to himself in the locker room on multiple occasions). He doubts he’ll ever feel that amazing again in his life unless he wins the cup. He certainly doesn’t feel that good right now.

Charlie’s phone goes off as he’s lying in bed, and he’s both pleasantly surprised and scared to find that it’s because of a text from Jake. By now, he’s figured out that Jake can set off a wide range of emotions in his brain, and it can be confusing. Apparently, the social anxiety bypass is still there, but the social anxiety is somehow replaced by _ anxiety _anxiety. So, instead of feeling like he needs to be alone if he’s around Jake too much, he’ll feel like there’s some magnetic force that’s pulling them closer, but if he touches Jake, he’ll die. At the same time, seeing Jake fills him with this giddy joy that almost blends into the anxiety he feels. It’s a smorgasbord of uncontrollable feelings around Jake, and while sometimes it can feel good, it can also be incredibly exhausting. 

_ Jake: _ hey im rooming with u now

… what...

_ Jake _: kurls is kinda sick so theyre quarantining him. sorry u dont get ur own room anymore lol

Okay, Charlie needs to think about anything except the fact that they have to _ share a fucking room _.

_ Charlie: _Wait, is Kurls gonna play?

_ Jake: _yeah he’ll play probably he just isn’t feeling great and they dont want ppl catching it

_ Charlie: _Well u can move ur stuff over now if you want

_ Jake: _ lol im already outside ur door can u let me in

Sure enough, when Charlie opens the door Jake is standing right there.

“Hey, nice place,” Jake says while grinning. Charlie does his best to look kind of annoyed at the bad joke he just made, but he can’t.

“Why don’t we just get Gryz up in here and call it a party?” Charlie replies, causing Jake to laugh.

“Yeah, we could make an ice bath in the tub and time how long each of us can stay in it. Loser buys dinner.” Charlie’s almost certain that Jake is speaking from experience.

“Yeah _ fuck _that,” Charlie says, not in the mood for an ice bath in the slightest. Jake can’t stop giggling, and Charlie can’t get enough of the heavenly sound. “What are you actually going to do before the game?” he asks Jake.

“Take a nap,” Jake responds before climbing into one of the beds.

“Fuck off, that’s my bed,” Charlie says as he shakes Jake a little to get him to move.

“It’s not _ yours _,” Jake replies, not even opening his eyes.

“Yes it is, that’s my sweatshirt on the headboard.”

“Move your sweatshirt.”

“Move your body.”

“But I’m comfy.”

“Fuck you, Jake.”

“Mhm, fuuuck me,” he replies sarcastically. Charlie is very glad that Jake’s eyes are not open at this moment, because that makes him blush hard. He goes over to the other bed and buries his face in the pillow.

They both wake up in about an hour (well, Charlie didn’t really sleep), and basically do nothing for the rest of the day except for go over game footage and eat dinner. Eventually, Jake announces that he’s going to bed, and Charlie knows he should do the same. Except he can’t fall asleep, not when Jake is _ right there _ . He’s so close, Charlie could just walk across the room and card his fingers through his hair or hold his hand or something stupid like that. Instead, he just lies awake and stares. He knows he’s being creepy, but he can’t help it. Jake just looks so peaceful and gorgeous, Charlie can’t _ not _look. Eventually, he starts to doze off, but he never stops thinking about Jake.

Charlie’s tired as fuck when the game rolls around. His eyes keep going out of focus, and it feels like his whole body is jittery, and he can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen. He feels like an alien in the visitor’s locker room, or like he’s on another plane of existence entirely. That is, until Jake walks in, who is somehow immune to the effects of the time zone change. Charlie feels the same pulse of nerves that he always does when he looks at Jake, which helps him wake up a little bit, but he’s still exhausted from not sleeping last night.

Vancouver scores within the first two minutes of play, but no one is really surprised. This just seems like it’s going to be one of those games, and the whole bench knows it. They look like the better team on the ice, but despite all their shots on goal, the score remains 0-1 for about ten more minutes. Charlie gets the signal for his shift to start, but he’s struck with the feeling that he wants to be anywhere except for on the ice, and he knows it’s because Jake’s shift is also starting. But, he doesn’t really have a choice, so he hops off the bench and starts skating toward the puck. 

Krej had just dumped the puck in deep, and Jake was already rushing in on the forecheck. He manages to shield the puck and come up with possession, and Charlie’s wide open on the blue line. Suddenly, he wishes he wasn’t open, because Jake puts the puck on his stick, but he’s overcome by a feeling of mortal terror as he makes eye contact with Jake and his muscles lock up. Edler easily strips him of the puck, and since all the Bruins are in deep (except for Charlie, who can’t move), he passes it to Daniel Sedin at center ice, who now has a two on 0 with Eriksson. One no-look pass later, the Bruins are down two nothing, and it’s 100 percent Charlie’s fault. 

Charlie very unsteadily makes his way over to the bench for a change. Cassidy is looking down and slowly shaking his head, and the rest of his team on the bench has their heads down, too. He takes a seat next to Gryz, who gives him a small nudge to say ‘it’s alright, we’ll get ‘em next time,’ but Charlie is feeling exponentially worse by the second. More specifically, he’s feeling more _ anxious _ by the second.

“Gryz,” he says, with almost the same kind of shy tone a kid would use to tell their mom they just made a mistake.

“What is it?” he asks, but as soon as he looks at Charlie, he knows what’s happening. “No,” he says, as his eyes start to widen. “No, no, no, Charlie, you _ can’t _. You can’t do this now!”

Charlie just ducks his head more.

“Charlie, you _ have _to play. Even if we lose, you still have to push through it.”

At this point, he feels more likely to spontaneously combust than get back out on the ice.

“C’mon, it’s just a few more minutes until intermission, you can make it.”

Charlie shakes his head. He can’t even stand up, and his body is trembling. He simply cannot play right now.

Unfortunately, Gryz’s words caused a few heads to turn in his direction, including Cassidy, who immediately knows what’s going on. He signals for him to take Charlie down the tunnel, but that sounds even worse than trying to play; the media is going to be all over it, and he can only imagine all the questions he’ll be asked. This thought causes him to lock up completely, and he can’t even move enough to be able to use Gryz as a human walking stick. Jake swiftly comes to his rescue, and helps him practically carry Charlie down the tunnel. They have to rush out again, though, as soon as Charlie collapses in the locker room because, well, the game is still happening. He feels progressively worse as the final minutes of the period tick by, not only because he feels guilty for not playing with his team, but because he hears Vancouver score two more times. Everybody looks incredibly disheartened and frustrated as they start to trickle their way into the locker room, Cassidy being last of all. But instead of his normal ‘c’mon get your shit together, we can still make it’ speech after a bad period, he just signals for Zee to say something and leads Charlie (who can still hardly walk) out of the room.

“Listen, Chuck, I know it’s not your fault. I don’t want to scare you, I’m not mad at you, or even disappointed really I’m just… frustrated. Not necessarily at you but... at the fact that this clearly isn’t getting better. You’re an amazingly talented player, Charlie, I hope you know that, but…”

He pauses for a few seconds, like he really doesn’t want to say what he’s about to say.

“Maybe you would be happier if you played for another team.”

Charlie’s eyes widen in shock and he nearly lets out a sob. Instead, he just violently shakes his head. Deep down, though, he does wonder if Cassidy is right.

But even if he is, there’s no way Charlie isn’t going to fight to stay here. He loves Boston way more than he thought he ever could, he can hardly imagine playing for any other city.

“Okay, I know this is unprofessional, it’s intermission for god’s sake, but I just wanted you to get as much time as possible to process since the trade deadline is so close.”

Charlie leans against the wall and sinks to the floor, unable to say anything.

“I don’t want to do that, you know, I really don’t. You really are a talented player, and even more importantly you’re a valuable asset to this team and help make it a place that people want to play for. So, Charlie, can you please tell me what’s going on, so maybe we could fix it before… you know.”

Oh boy. How the fuck is Charlie supposed to tell his coach that he’s head over heels for someone on his team without 1) sounding like a dork in a shitty drama-romcom show or 2) literally proving Cassidy’s point that playing for another team would be beneficial for his mental health.

“I…” he starts, not really knowing where he is trying to go with this.

“I’m not r-really sure how to, uh, say this but… um… first of all, I want to say that I’ll do anything it takes to stay on this team, even if sounds like it’s a bad idea,” he blurts out before his brain can catch up.

“Why would it sound like it’s a bad idea?” Cassidy asks, looking both puzzled and concerned.

There’s a long pause.

“I’ve… uh… well, for starters, I’m uh… demi, I think. Demisexual, that is.”

“Oh,” Cassidy replies, clearly surprised by his answer.

“But, that’s not the whole thing… the whole thing is…” Charlie begins to lower his voice in fear that someone would hear him, “I’m in love with Jake.”

Cassidy is even more taken aback by that confession. “You… oh, I mean, are you two dating?” he asks, hesitantly.

“Oh GOD no, there’s no way he likes me like that. I just mean that… that’s what’s been kind of throwing me off lately.

“You mean for the past five months?”

“Actually, it’s probably been a lot longer than that, I just didn’t put it all together until five months ago.”

“Oh.” There’s an awkwardly long pause before Cassidy continues. “Maybe it _ would _ be a good idea for you to play for someone else. Then you won’t have to constantly interact with him.”

And, yup, he just said exactly what Charlie was terrified he would say.

“No, please, I’ll do anything to stay here. Anything, just… please,” he says, completely out of breath.

“Charlie, I don’t want you to have regular panic attacks during your games. Off the ice is one thing, and even practice but… this is a game. And I know you can play hockey without getting anxiety; I’ve seen you do it before. If Jake is the cause of all this, then I really don’t see any other options other than having you play for a different organization.”

“I won’t have another one, I swear, I swear, just… please don’t trade me.” Charlie once again finds himself sounding like a child.

“You shouldn’t bite off more than you can chew, Charlie. That’s not something that you can control.”

“No, just give me a week, please. I’ll tell Jake, I’ll tell him everything, I’ll do everything I can to get over him, please just give me one more chance,” Charlie begs. He starts to shake again.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I will.” It’s not an ‘I want to,’ or an ‘I’m willing to,’ it’s an ‘I will.’ Charlie will not give up, even if it means facing his anxiety head on.

“Charlie–”

“–I’m playing the rest of the game.” Charlie’s stubbornness and determination are not overriding his anxiety. Fuck Jake (not like that, thank you very much), fuck everyone, fuck this, fuck that, fuck everything. He’s going to play, goddamnit.

Cassidy sighs. “Okay, okay. I get it, just… be careful, alright?”

“Yeah.” Charlie’s not really listening.

The rest of the game is marginally better than the first period. Charlie actually gets a decent amount of ice time, too, probably because Cassidy knows that he basically just lit a fire under him. Schaller even managed to get a goal late in the third, so at least it’s not a shutout loss, but they still lost 1-6. And it still sucks.

Nobody talks to Charlie after the game is over. That is, nobody except Gryz, who stops him as he’s on his way out.

“Hey, Charlie, you look kind of unhinged. What happened?” he asks.

“They’re gonna trade me,” Charlie spits back with no hesitation or emotion. Dang, he really is unhinged.

“WHAT! They… no, they can’t, where are you getting traded to!” Gryz shouts, not caring if there’s anyone that can still hear him.

“Not sure. Cassidy said if my anxiety keeps up I’m going to get traded.”

“Oh, so… Jesus, Charlie. You gave me a fucking heart attack, so you’re not traded yet.” Gryz looks like he just got punched in the gut.

“I have to tell Jake.” 

“... What?”

“I have to tell him everything. Hopefully that will make the panic attacks go away.” Saying that out loud is giving Charlie second thoughts, but he doesn’t really have a choice.

That just about did it for Gryz. For years, he had believed Charlie when he said that he was fine, and that his anxiety didn’t affect him. Well, it clearly does, and now that he’s thinking about it, he was pretty dumb to believe all that stuff. He takes a deep breath.

“I hate to break it to you, but telling him won’t magically make all this go away. Sure, it might help, but you have anxiety. This isn’t a fucking fairy tale, Charlie, you are ill. You need actual fucking help.”

Charlie’s eyes soften at that, and he starts to come back to reality. “Well what do I do then?” he asks Gryz, a hint of desperation in his voice.

“I don’t fucking know, go to therapy or something. Just… do _ something _ other than wait around and hope for things to get better on their own. Because they’re not.” There’s a few seconds of silence. “Charlie, I don’t want you to get traded.” he adds, sadness and fear clinging to each word.

Charlie pauses to think for a bit. “I don’t want to go to therapy. It’s not going to help me.”

“Then go play for some other team! Fuck, Charlie, don’t you get it? You don’t have a choice!” Gryz yells. He never yells when he’s frustrated, and Charlie is taken aback by it.

“I told you it won’t help me,” Charlie says, quietly.

“Well why the fuck not?”

“I don’t think I _ want _ to get better.” Gryz looks like Charlie just offended his great ancestors.

“You _ want _ to get traded?”

“No no no, it’s definitely not that. It’s just… I’m scared to start feeling better, because then when things tank, it’s just that much worse. Anxiety makes bad things seem less horrible in comparison, and I don’t want that to go away.”

Gryz doesn’t even know what to say to that. It’s probably one of the saddest things he’s ever heard, and he knows Charlie has no idea how dismal he just sounded. 

“Come on Charlie, let’s go.” With that, the conversation is over and they make their way back to their hotel rooms. 

Apparently Jake got moved again, probably because of what he told Cassidy earlier. He knows it’s better for him, but he can’t help but be slightly disappointed.

Even though Jake isn’t in the room, Charlie still doesn’t sleep. He keeps thinking about how to tell everything to Jake, because that might be the only way to get his anxiety under control fast. Gryz was obviously right about Charlie needing real help if he wants it to fully go away, but Charlie can’t bring himself to actually want to do that. He seemed so confident talking to coach Cassidy, but now that the adrenaline has died down, he really has no idea how he’s going to get out of this one. The trade deadline is only a week away, and it looms over his head like he’s being haunted by a ghost. Eventually, exhaustion takes over his body and mind and he falls into a fitful state of sleep.

Charlie dissociates for the entirety of the next day. People keep giving him concerned looks, but no one says anything, probably because they’re scared he’s still unhinged. The only person that talks to him is Jake, since Gryz is still kind of frustrated with Charlie after their conversation yesterday. But even Jake doesn’t say a lot, or at least, a lot of words, because the worry on his face says it all. Once their flight is over, Charlie practically makes a beeline for his own bed, desperate for an escape from whatever shitshow his life has become.

When he finally wakes up at god knows what hour, he notices there’s a notification for a text from coach Cassidy on his phone.

_ Coach C _: Hello, Charlie. Sorry to bother you, but I just wanted you to know that I just got off the phone with the GM, and I argued your case to him. He’s agreed to let you have a bit more time before he makes a final decision, but as you know, the trade deadline is coming up soon. We both really want you to be able to play here, but neither of us want you to constantly have to deal with anxiety. Please tell me if you change your mind.

Charlie really wants to ask whether or not he told Don Sweeney about the whole Jake thing, but he’s not quite willing to have another one of _ those _conversations just yet. He looks out the window and notices the sun is starting to rise, and figuring that he still has plenty of time until practice starts, he lets himself go back to sleep for a couple more hours.

Soon enough, he’s up again and it’s time to leave the house. Practice is the same as it always has been after a western road trip; a heavy aura of tiredness blankets the entire locker room. Even on the ice, it seems like everyone is skating with weights attached to their ankles. Cassidy has always been understanding of this, though, so he’s not too rough on the guys. After it’s over, they all continue to move at half their normal speed, Charlie being the slowest of all. Luckily, Gryz seems to have forgiven him of what he said in Vancouver, and they are now enjoying companionable silence together. He even waits for Charlie to finish getting his stuff together before heading out. But just as they’re about to leave, Jake comes walking back in.

“Forget something?” Charlie chirps, but it comes out a bit more sincere and mean sounding than he would’ve liked.

“No, I actually just wanted to talk to you guys,” Jake says, taking another few steps forward. Gryz and Charlie share quizzical looks.

“About what?” Charlie asks.

“Well… I… overhead you and Gryz talking, well, more like yelling, in the hallway after the game the other day and… Charlie, are you getting traded?”

Charlie freezes. If Jake heard that then the odds that he heard some... _ other _ things are pretty good. “Uh, well, it’s not set in stone or anything, and actually we worked something out so hopefully I’m able to stay here, but… yeah. If my anxiety doesn’t get better they’re gonna trade me.”

“What!” Jake shouts. Oh boy, here we go again. “That’s insane! They can’t just trade you for something you can’t control!” Oh yeah, Jake doesn’t know about the _ thing _.

“No, no, it’s not like that, it’s just… they think my anxiety will get better if I play somewhere else. They mean well, I swear.”

“Why would it be any better somewhere else?” 

Shit.

So, Charlie basically has two options. Except he really doesn’t, because one of the options means lying to Jake and shoving his feelings even deeper into his mind, which would pretty much guarantee that his anxiety will get worse. But… he can’t just tell the truth either! Not when the truth is confessing your fucking feelings and shit. Charlie hates doing that. He looks at Gryz, hoping for some help, but Gryz just darts his eyes from Charlie to Jake and back, signaling for Charlie to spill the beans already. But he can’t. There’s no way in hell those words are going to be able to claw their way out of his throat. Gryz is going to have to be the one to do it.

“Gryz,” Charlie says, hesitantly. “You have to do it. I can’t be here for it.”

“Charlie–”

“Please,” he begs, before Gryz can even argue. “I’ll talk to him afterward, I just… I just can’t do the first part.” He gets a defeated head nod in response, and then practically sprints out the door.

“What is he talking about?” Jake asks, not wanting to be left in the dark any longer.

Gryz takes a deep breath. “Oh god, I have no idea how to say something like this on someone else’s behalf.” He pauses for a few seconds to gather his thoughts. “Charlie is, well, he’s… uh… h-he’s kind of in love with you.”

Jake nearly passes out from how hard he starts blushing.

“He’s… he’s… he’s what?” He stutters out at about half a decibel. Gryz doesn’t answer; he knows Jake is just trying to process what he just said. “I…” Suddenly, he manages to turn even redder than he was before. There’s a minute or so of silence that follows.

“What’s going through your mind?” Gryz finally asks.

After a few seconds of struggling to find the right words, Jake decides on, “It feels like a giant balloon suddenly popped in my brain. And it was loud, and it scared me, and now my ears are ringing”

A few more seconds of silence.

“Gryz, I think I might like him back.”

And yeah, if he was drinking something at that point, that definitely would’ve been a spit take. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I think I might like him back. No one’s ever made me feel, I don’t know, the way I do now, before.”

“Are you sure you’re not just… surprised? Flattered?”

“I… yeah, I am. I’m going through this scenario with different people in my head, and the only one that’s making me feel like this is Charlie.”

“Oh my god.”

There’s another few seconds of silence.

“Well what are you just standing there for?” Gryz shouts, a huge grin blossoming on his face. “Go get your mans!” With that, Jake tears out of the room, starts his car, and drives at non-advised speeds to Charlie’s apartment.


	6. Chapter 6

Charlie has just arrived home. Suddenly a feeling of pure rage fills him to the brim. He’s mad at the world for making him go through this, and even more mad at himself for not being able to just do what he needs to do so that he can play hockey.  _ I am twenty one _ , he keeps telling himself,  _ and this is what I act like _ . He feels so immature, so stupid, so utterly worthless, so full of anger. Without a second thought, he picked up a coffee mug that had been sitting on his counter and spiked it on the ground as hard as he could, like a mad (American) football player. Glass shards go everywhere, but he doesn’t care, that’s a problem for future Charlie, and it only makes him feel better for a second. The need to scream into the abyss burns his lungs. Defeated, he slowly slides down the nearest wall until he’s sitting on the floor, ignoring the fact that he is sitting on a bunch of glass shards. Before long, someone knocks on his door, and Charlie thinks he knows who it is. Reluctantly, he gets up and opens it, but is startled to find that the person behind the door is not Gryz. Charlie turns beet red.

“Hey, Charlie,” Jake says, with a soft expression that Charlie is having trouble reading. He steps aside so Jake can get in.

“Careful of the glass,” he says, embarrassed.

“Woah, what happened? Here, I’ll help you clean it up–”

“No, don’t. Just… I don’t know, say what you were gonna say and I’ll clean up after,” Charlie says. He’s definitely a little salty that Jake had decided to come and reject him so soon.

Jake’s eyes fill with concern, which is a look that Charlie has seen one too many times now. They both walk over to the living room and sit down on the couch.

“Do you even know what you want to say to me yet?” Charlie asks, a touch of sarcasm and annoyance in his voice.

“I… uh… not really.” There’s an uncomfortable pause. “I guess I just wanted to say… well… I’ll start out by saying that, uh, I didn’t even think it was possible for someone to love me like that. Like, romantically.”

“Are you fuckin’ serious?”

“No, wait, I didn’t mean it like that. Like, I’ve always been ‘the heartbreaker’ or whatever, none of my relationships lasted for more than a month or two. Once they got passed that honeymoon phase or whatever it’s called they just… lost their spark. And then we would break up.”

“Oh,” Charlie says, not really knowing how he should feel about that.

“I just kind of thought that I was supposed to do that until I fell in love with someone,” Jake continues. “But I never did. And I think I know why now.”

“W-why?” Charlie asks hesitantly.

Jake pauses and looks him in the eye. “None of them have ever made me feel the way that you do.”

Charlie definitely heard that wrong. Or interpreted it wrong, or is hallucinating, or dreaming, but in any case, there’s no way that what just happened was real. “What?” he says, almost sharply.

“When Gryz told me that you like me, it made me feel things that I haven’t felt in years. It wasn’t the whole ‘act cool ‘cause there’s a hot girl over there’ kind of complex, not that you’re not hot—I mean, that’s the first thing I thought when I saw you—but it’s more like I wanna… do stupid shit like hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be okay. Well, I guess it’s not stupid but… yeah.” Jake says this at about the speed of light, which makes it even more difficult to process than it already is. All that Charlie can think is that this is way too good to be true.

“Jake, I’m pretty sure that just means you feel bad for me and want to make me feel better.” Charlie says with as much of a soft smile as he can muster.

“Did you miss the part when I said you were hot?” Yes, yes he did miss that.

“Oh… I, uh, are you sure?” Jake initial expression of confusion quickly transitions to a more tender one once he realizes that Charlie’s not just asking about whether or not Jake thinks he’s hot, but if Jake really  _ likes _ him.

“Charlie, I’m dead serious. I thought you were cute as soon as I saw you, but I didn’t really think anything of it for some reason, and then I got to know you and I realized how awesome you are. When Gryz told me that you have feelings for me, it felt… it felt like something burst in me; like I had been inflating a balloon and somehow didn’t realize it, and then the thought of having you as more than just a friend popped it. And if I’m being honest, I’m having a really hard time keeping my eyes off your lips right now.” Jake blushes after he says that last part. Charlie blushes even harder. He wants Jake to kiss him so bad he feels like he’s going to explode.

“You can…” Charlie starts, but he’s too scared to finish his thought.

Luckily, he doesn’t need to, because Jake leans toward Charlie a bit and cups his cheek in his hand. Charlie melts into his touch and lets out a shaky breath. Finally, after what seems like a decade, Jake closes the gap between them, kissing Charlie with both intense passion and incredible tenderness. Charlie practically melts into a puddle. He lets out a soft, choked-out whimper, which causes Jake to deepen the kiss even more. When they finally break apart for air, Charlie collapses on the couch.

“Are… are you okay?” Jake asks.

“Yeah,” Charlie replies breathily, drawing out the word, “it just feels so good” Jake lets out a chuckle and positions himself so that he is on top of Charlie, using his forearms to prop himself up. This time, it’s Charlie that pulls Jake down and kisses him, soft and slow. He wishes this would last forever, and his eyes flutter closed.

“I love you,” Charlie says once Jake stops kissing him. 

“Um…” Jake replies, red dusting his cheeks. Charlie suddenly processes what he just said.

“Oh, right, sorry, I’m not allowed to say that… um–”

“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry, it’s just that no one’s ever said that to me before, like that, I mean. I love you too, Charlie.” 

“No, you don’t have to say that, really–”

“But I mean it. I really do, I promise.” There’s a few moments of silence, and Charlie looks like he’s contemplating something. The bliss of finally being able to kiss Jake is starting to subside, and doubt is taking its place.

“Here, sit up,” he says. Jake gets off of Charlie and sits up, but he keeps a hand on his knee as if being connected is somehow keeping them both alive. “Listen, Jake, you  _ just  _ figured out that you have feelings for me today. That’s not a whole lot of time to really judge how you feel, and I’m just… scared. I’m not trying to say that you’re lying or anything, but I…” Charlie pauses, afraid to continue his thought. “I’m afraid that you’ll quickly move on, but be too afraid to tell me, and then things end really horribly, and I don’t want that to happen.” He knows he’s being dramatic, but he can’t help it.

“I’m not going to fall out of love with you,” Jake says. They both know that there’s no way he can know that.

“But what if you do. You can’t just assume things are going to be okay without taking into account what could go wrong.” They look at each other with fear dancing behind their eyes.

“Well what if  _ you _ fall out of love with  _ me _ .” And, yeah, Jake makes a fair point, no matter how ridiculous it sounds to Charlie. He doesn’t know how to respond to that.

“I don’t know.” There’s another minute or so of silence, when suddenly a solution pops into Jake’s head.

“Okay, I know people always talk about stuff like the ‘friend-zone’ or whatever, but we don’t have to listen to that. Even if one of us falls out of love, like, romantically, we’ll always be there for each other, right? We’ll never stop loving each other in some way, even if we’re not dating or anything.” Hearing Jake say that definitely makes Charlie feel better, but he still feels… unsure.

“But…” He doesn’t really have a counterpoint, he’s just too scared to agree. Part of him almost wishes that Jake didn’t like him back, despite how good it felt to kiss him. “I’m still terrified Jake. There’s something wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” Charlie hates it when people say that; of course there’s something wrong with him, there’s something wrong with everyone.

“Yes there is. I have anxiety.”

“Yeah but that’s not who you are, that’s just something you have.” Once again, Charlie’s brain agrees with Jake, but his heart is still terrified.

“Then why am I so scared of… this.” Charlie feels so stupid… this is basically his dream come true, but for some reason he just can’t accept it.

“Because feelings are scary.” Jake says with a comforting smile.

“God, I am so sorry you have to deal with me acting like a dramatic-ass twelve year old,” Charlie says while chuckling a bit. He has no idea how Jake can be so patient with him.

“You’re not a dramatic-ass twelve year old, you just got a lot of stuff bottled up. It’s okay, I’m here to help you work it all out. You can take your time.” Whatever Charlie did to deserve Jake must’ve been pretty fucking incredible.

“How did I manage to get so lucky?” he asks while looking at Jake like he’s the most beautiful thing on Earth.

“I don’t know, but you’re not as lucky as me.”

“How the fu–”

Jake cuts him off before Charlie can even finish asking how on earth he’s the lucky one. “Because I get to help you realize how amazing you really are.” He’s serious at first, but before long they both start cracking up.

“Oh god, that was the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard,” Charlie says, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I know, right. I guess you just bring out that side of me,” Jake says in an over-dramatic airy tone.

“Oh my god, shut up.”

“Make me.” Jake says with a wink. Charlie doesn’t follow what he’s trying to do.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Charlie asks.

Jake pretends to be annoyed. “Ugh, it means you’re supposed to kiss me, don’t you watch any romance movies?”

“How the fuck was I supposed to know tha–” Jake rolls his eyes and kisses him before he can finish his sentence. Somehow, it feels even better than the first time. Charlie once again goes boneless, and Jake can’t get enough of the feeling of him falling apart in his arms. He pushes Charlie on his back and lies on top of him like he did before, and once again starts kissing him breathless until he’s panting and whining. Jake experimentally rolls his hips, and the sound Charlie makes is absolutely heavenly. He does it again, and Charlie lets out another choked-out whimper and throws his head back, his body in a state of complete and utter bliss. He had no idea that anything could feel this amazing.

“I love you,” Charlie says, unashamed this time.

“I love you too,” Jake replies. He can’t believe that at one point in his life those words seemed terrifying and restricting to him, because now he can hardly think of anything else he wants to say.

* * *

Charlie wakes up the next morning feeling well-rested for the first time in months. It takes him a few seconds to remember that the events from the night before weren’t just a dream. When he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, Jake is cleaning up the broken glass from the mug he had smashed.

“Wait, here, let me help you,” Charlie says as he rushes to Jake’s aid.

“I’m almost done getting the bigger pieces, can you go get the vacuum?” 

“Okay.” It takes a few minutes for them to finish (one of which was spent removing glass from Charlie’s foot), and somehow it puts Charlie in a great mood. It’s almost therapeutic to fix the mess that his rage had caused, as if it’s symbolic of him beginning to fix the mess that is his mental state.

“You wanna hit the gym in a few?” Jake asks. 

“Yeah, sure,” Charlie answers with a smile, which causes Jake to smile back. He’s about to walk away to get ready for the day when Jake stops him.

“Hey, wait, before you go, I wanna ask you something.”

“What is it?” Charlie can’t help but feel a little nervous.

“So, about that whole thing with you possibly getting traded and all, do you know what’s going to happen?” The truth is, he doesn’t, but he knows what he needs to do if he wants the best chance of staying on the team.

“Well, I don’t know for sure, but I basically need to start getting my anxiety under control. That’s why I had Gryz tell you everything last night; I wanted to see if that would help… you know… release some tension. And it definitely did.”

“But you’re anxiety isn’t gone, is it? I don’t want to scare you or anything, but shouldn’t you be doing more than just sharing your feelings?” 

“Yeah no, that didn’t just solve the problem, but it made me want to start solving it. I had always been afraid that trying to get rid of anxiety would end up hurting me even more, but I’ve been feeling braver after last night. So I don’t know, maybe I could start going to therapy or something but… ugh… that definitely brings up some bad memories. I hate therapy.” Back when Charlie was a kid, his parents had forced him to go when his school counselor overheard him talking about suicide, and then subsequently having a panic attack when she said his parents needed to be called. It was a long time ago, but it still leaves a sour taste in his mouth. Luckily, Jake doesn’t ask questions.

“I could go with you,” he offers. “That is, if it would make you feel more comfortable.”   
  


“Oh god, that would be so much better,” Charlie says with a sigh of relief. “We can talk about it more when we get back.”

“Promise?” Jake asks in a semi-serious tone.

“Yeah, yeah, I promise,” Charlie replies with an eye roll before going back down the hallway to get ready.

They spend the next few hours working out and going over tape, and even though they’re usually pretty mundane tasks, they both have a lot of fun. A good percentage of that time they spend just dicking around, like trying to find the craziest and most difficult way to do sit-ups at the gym or zooming in on people’s faces while going over game footage. Eventually, both of them decide to stop attempting to be productive and just shoot the breeze instead. They’re on the couch at Charlie’s apartment watching food network when Jake remembers that Charlie was supposed to talk to him about scheduling a counseling appointment.

“Hey, Charlie,” he says, with an I-know-something-that-you-don’t tone to his voice.

“What’s up?” Charlie replies.

“Weren’t you supposed to talk to me about something when we got back?” Jake asks, as if he’s caught Charlie red-handed.

“Oh, shit, I totally forgot!”

“Mmmhm,” Jake says, sarcastically.

“I’m serious! I actually did forget, but I’ll talk about it now.” 

“I know, I know, I’m just messing with you. There’s a counseling center not too far from here, if you want me to book an appointment.” Jake pulls out his phone and looks the place up.

“Uh, yeah, that sounds good, but can you like… see what our options are? For counselors that is… all the ones I’ve had seemed super entitled and just kind of made me feel like shit.” The thought of his old therapy sessions makes him feel really unformortable, and apparently Jake notices because he scoots closer and slings his arm over his shoulder, giving him a light squeeze. 

“Yeah, I think I can do that. Let me see… uh… here are our options,” he says while showing Charlie his phone displaying all the different counselors available there and their credentials, along with a short bio.

“Uh, I don’t know, this guy seems chill,” Charlie says while pointing to a thirty-something-ish man with semi-long dirty blonde hair and a kind looking face. “It says he likes writing music, so that’s kind of cool. And other people seem to like him”

“Huh, definitely not someone who I would expect to be a counselor. Cool.” Jake begins to set up the appointment.

“Uh, Jake, do you think he’ll be like… chill, with the whole not-straight thing?” Charlie asks, kind of sheepishly

“Everything will be fine, Charlie. I doubt he won’t be okay with it, and if he’s not, then we’ll find another therapist.” Jake gives him a reassuring smile. Yeah, everything is going to be fine.

* * *

Charlie works really hard over the course of the next year to manage his anxiety, and much to his surprise and delight, it’s been working out really well. He never ends up getting traded, and Cassidy actually pulled him aside at one point to tell him how proud he was to see that he was really putting in effort to get better. Gryz had been ecstatic to hear that not only are Jake and Charlie dating, but Charlie has finally agreed to go to counseling. The whole ordeal definitely strengthened their friendship, and Gryz is much happier than he should be to be the “third wheel” every time they all hang out together, not that anyone minds. Jake and Charlie decide to come out to the rest of the team on their one year anniversary, and nobody is anything but supportive of them, even if they do end up as the butt end of some light-hearted chirping from then on (like “Hey, Krej, would you mind playing defense so Chuck can be JD’s center?” or “I know you love each other but pass the damn puck to someone else, would ya?”). Things aren’t perfect by any means; they still haven’t figured out what they’re going to do once things get more serious, and Charlie will still get a stray panic attack once in a while, but he’s finally on medication for his anxiety, and for the first time in his life he’s confident that he’ll be able to handle whatever the future holds. The final score is Charlie:1 - Anxiety:0.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! I hope you enjoyed my first attempt at an RPF, and sorry it was kind of spastically posted. Comments of any kind are much appreciated, so feel free to leave one if you would like.


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